You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
12. I think about this all the damn time
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.