@J_Luce3

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.

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@HammerFist3

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

@pilau

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

@decentbirthday

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”

@RodLacroix

Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?

Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?

Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.

@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”

@StoferComic

An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…