I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.
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Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass
Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food
Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white
Synopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Date: Sing me something
Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫
*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”
Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?
Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?
Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”
An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.