Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related