Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
(grounding my kid) go outside.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I think this might be relevant today.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.