Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Check your privilege

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz