Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

🤣😂🤣

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.