Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.