Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered