Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
i want it utterly assaulted.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.