Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

I laughed at this way too hard.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Tastes like chicken.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

Me trying to look natural in photos

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…