Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
barbara was highly relatable
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Nobody ever collects famous first words.