Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.