Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

Nothing to do, you say?

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.