@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

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@mommajessiec

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

@Smethanie

Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

@Papa_Mex

Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins

@215potter

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@better_off_dad

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

@ClichedOut

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

@PashSara

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…