Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Very slight chuckle*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.