@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

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@3sunzzz

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@BonaFideIntent

I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@JeffMyspace

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.