[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.