“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.