“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.