“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.