Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe