Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Looking at you, Jesus.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president