owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share