owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.