Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.