@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

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@kwkorpi

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

@WheelTod

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

@laurajaylovette

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

@LoriLuvsShoes

When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun

@robfee

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@hippieswordfish

‘welcome to subway how can i-‘

ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID

‘sir-‘

M: IS IT HIS PISS

@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

@JohnLyonTweets

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.