Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

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me: if u drink this coffee ur gonna get jittery and anxious and ur gonna feel sick later
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me think fast


me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog


Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:

1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat


I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse


Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me


Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion


[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good


girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at


[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.