Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
‘welcome to subway how can i-‘
ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID
M: IS IT HIS PISS
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.