Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.