Owl Sanctuary
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My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
