Owl Sanctuary
You Might Also Like
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.