Owl Sanctuary
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
rise and shine we got egg
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney