Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Hero horse inspires millions
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.