@hunz74

Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

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@NamestartswithZ

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

@AGreaterMonster

Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.

–me, getting a shampoo at the salon

@Phook75

I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history

@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@mortimermaiden

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

@Andee_Stewart

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot