Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

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*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few


[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.


People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!


The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.


Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.

–me, getting a shampoo at the salon


I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history


Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?


Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that


Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot