Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”