Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.