Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
2022 be like
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.