Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
May never get over this
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?