Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”