Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Fight

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Note to self: I am a note

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”