Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.