Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

It be like that sometimes 😆

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Great acting.. 😂

wow he looks just like him

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”