Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

Choose your fighter

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.