Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood