Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
me linking you to my twitter
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge