Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
X-tra spooky blend
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
why I oughta
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
What do you text your spouse?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do