Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Thursday
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
what are they serving at kfc then???
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