Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Who’s ready for Friday?!

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I’m Sold!

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆