Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
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a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.