Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
this has done me in for some reason
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.