Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

for all #parents out there

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit