Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Old old old old old west

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.