Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

My work here is done

Morning my dudes.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time