Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

do u think theres a butter planet?

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Mistakes were made

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

From Facebook just now…

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.