Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Very good! 👍😂

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

What an awful time to have common sense.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage