Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

I laughed at this way too hard.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

look at me when i’m typing to you

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂