Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again