Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha