Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.