Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
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Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Harsh but fair
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die