Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
