Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
