Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The Book. The Movie.
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain![]()
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.