Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
