P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
You Might Also Like
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
thoughts?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”