P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter