P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
So Hamburger help me, God
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Expect the unexporcupine.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram