Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Meme Monday.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

trivia

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now