P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

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Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie


Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.


I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.


*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom


My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.


I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.


Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”