Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.