P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Seals are just dog mermaids.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny