I like my women like I like my coffee
Overpriced and bitter
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
you know there’s a generation gap when kids are talking about tik tok and you realize they’re not talking about the pop classic Tik Tok by Kesha released in 2009
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.