@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

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@itsallbollocks

Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie

@Try2StopME

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

@TitansHomer

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@Darlainky

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

@Marlebean

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

@Kyle_Lippert

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”