P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]