Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You Might Also Like
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
When your man makes a valid point
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Most fashion shows these days…
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]