Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

i feel so bad i refunded him

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Thursday Thought.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.