PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
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Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Friends that check up on you >
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
For the baby who has everything
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.