Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident