Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Think I pulled my liver
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school