Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Skills