Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

🍛

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing