Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what