Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
This billboard speaks to me
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
no one likes gloating
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.