Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
thank god
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.