Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Why is no one talking about this?!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving