I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Feels like there should be a middle ground
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s