Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”