Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’